Whenever people talk about Vanilla sex, it is often used to imply plain or conventional sex mostly involving heterosexual couples. But there are a whole lot more exciting things involved.
However, the problem is that vanilla sex is seen as not only common, but inferior compared to the kinky sex that people are into these days.
People think it is boring or unimaginative, that the lack of danger or adventure makes it more sex. But isn’t the point of good sex is for you and your partner to enjoy yourselves and get lost in the moment?
Vanilla sex is the sort of sexual intercourse that does not involve the elements of kinky play. It is used to denote sex that does not include costumes, bondage, toys, whips, chains, third parties, domination or role play.
It is the type of sex that takes place in bed as opposed to an airplane or in the middle of the forest. It more often than not involves missionary position although this is subjective and depends on who you ask.
There has been a shift in the consciousness of people in the past few decades with regards to vanilla sex due to media influence.
TV shows like Sex and the City and 50 Shades of Grey glorify kinky sex; movies like The Notebook promulgate the idea that sex is sexier if done outdoors in the rain; famous pop stars like Madonna made BDSM look trendy with her 1992 book, Sex, which featured the singer in risqué poses. Pop culture is inundated with images of how kinky sex is in and vanilla sex should remain in history books.
We often think of sex in terms of the many positions, the play it entails and the length of time. One is seen as a sex champion if he or she can go hours at it (which isn’t really possible anyway) or is very creative in bed.
All these on its own are not necessarily bad, but sex is so much more than that. It is an activity that involves experiencing emotion, pleasure, passion and intimacy with all involved. Sometimes it feels good to experience all that on an elementary level without having to go through the props and play.
Being sex positive involves embracing sex and sexual expression while emphasizing safe and consensual sex. It means regarding all consensual sexual activities as fundamentally healthy and pleasurable to everyone involved but at the same time, encouraging sexual experimentation. So why then is there some sort of “kinkification” of sex?
Why is does there seem to be a competition for having the freakiest, kinkiest, most out-there sex? BDSM blogger Clarisse Thorn in one of her blog posts says that she sometimes worries that other women would read her work and it will increase their anxiety in bed.
She fears that her writing on some things may be misconstrued and this will lead to her female readers feeling inadequate about her performance in bed.
“With some of the things I write, I get afraid that I’ve contributed to a nightmare world where women are “liberated” only in the sense that we can perform for men.” So what exactly does this aggressive mass marketing mean for our sex lives?
For a long time, people who have sexual fetishes felt ashamed and remained in the closet. But these days the reverse seems to be the case. Wanting to be whipped, spanked,chained, tied down or verbally degrade is a very common thing while wanting tender, conventional lovemaking is seen an anathema, and it keeps getting harder to find.
What people forget is that vanilla sex has its benefits. There is a certain level of intimacy that can only be gotten from vanilla sex. While all sex can be passionate and intimates, this can be hampered by the many distractions involved. Vanilla sex has few distractions, and this makes it easier for partners to connect.
There are nuances involved that make the sex simply amazing. The little movements, shifts in positions and small adjustments make the sex go from good to out of this world. Also, familiarity with vanilla sex often ensures that you are good at it – practice makes perfect after all.
Furthermore, while others may enjoy elaborate role play and rougher sex, some may not. Engaging in vanilla sex makes one feel more authentic and confident about their sexual prowess.
We feel more natural and at home, and the best sex happen when we feel confident about our abilities in bed. However, it is advised that one should mix it up once in a while to avoid being too stuck in your comfort zone.
Vanilla sex is a great ice breaker for every relationship. Unless previously agreed on kinky sex, engaging in vanilla sex is an excellent way to know your partner sexually especially is they are new.
It It is straightforward and requires that you pay attention to what your partner really likes. The heavier, kinky sex can eventually come later, but taking time to know the basics and have an idea of what your partner wants is essential.
Contrary to the idea of vanilla sex portrayed in the media, vanilla is not dull. There are a plethora of options to try. There are various positions, places, styles and power dynamic that you can use.
Whether it is a quickie in the kitchen on a Monday morning involving lots of dirty talk or it is a three-hour marathon on date night with Ludovico Einaudi’s Experience playing in the background, there are a lot of things that can be done.
Overcoming the anxiety of vanilla sex would involve letting go of the fear of losing control, the fear of standing out, being seen as weird or being excluded. It would also mean letting go of preconceived notions of how vanilla sex should be and taking a chance in actually enjoying it.
In the end, if you like vanilla sex, if you feel it is what is best for you, then embrace it. You do not keep having to try things you do not like if you are not getting what you need out of it. Just relax and enjoy it.